Lottie's Story: I Don't Know Who You Are, But I Love You
Living with DPDR for me has often meant looking over to realise I feel like I have no more memory or emotional connection to close friends/my partner than I would a stranger on the street. It can be really easy to feel terrified and guilty by these experiences, especially as there can feel like very little advice about how to work with them. Over the last few years, I have been paying close attention to what has and hasn't been useful in these moments; even if these aren't useful for you, hopefully they will help you feel a little less alone.
Tip #1: Every second isn't a cliff edge
As long as you are feeling comfortable and safe around them, it is okay if you can’t produce strong positive emotions towards them every second of every day. Our society can make us think that relationships should be life or death but I find it useful to think more along the lines of ' Someone I really enjoy spending time with.'
Equally make sure there is space for time on your own: I find I want to clutch onto people when the world feels unreal but sometimes, I really need some time just on my own where I don't need to manage my relationship and feeling towards anyone but myself. Wanting time away from someone doesn't mean you hate them, despite what the polarisation portrayed in lots of media suggests.
Tip #2: What bits of them can you recognise?
Notice at what moments you feel connected to your friend/ partner- when are they? It could be that you recognise a mannerism of theirs; their perfume; an activity you do together; or an item of clothing they wear. If you talk to them, they might be able to incorporate more of these things into your time together.
Tip#3: Don't fake it, you don't need to make it.
It can feel like the right thing to do to just pretend to be feeling things so that you don't upset your friend/partner. I have sometimes got swept away planning a future event or describing love for someone who at that moment feels like a total stranger to me.
I have found this unhelpful for two reasons: a) it makes you feel more like a stranger to yourself if you are saying things you aren't feeling and acting out emotions you don't recognise b) your friend/partner can usually sense something is off on a conscious or unconscious level and so are left feeling as though you are being dishonest towards them.
I would recommend making your speech really specific so it can stay true. For example, saying things such as “We make a great team.”, “You make me laugh!” can feel more authentic than big sweeping emotional statements such as “You’re my favourite person.”
Some days are really tricky, but on a good day I can feel lucky to be falling in love with the people around me for the first time every few days.